5 Things Tigers In UP Should Eat In Lieu Of Beef

Giving wings to our imagination instead of feeding these big cats chicken wings


With tigers across Uttar Pradesh’s zoos facing a beef crisis after the new BJP state government’s halt on slaughterhouses, we thought it would be prudent to come up with alternate food options for the endangered species. Of course, we couldn’t think up of anything as dramatic as chicken pieces to feed tigers but instead went looking for easily available mass-produced objects of abundance that we’d be happy to feed to the wild cats. Here are five options we think will work best for the tigers.

CBFC’s Irrational Decisions

Chikni Chameli, Aao Raja, offensive rap – yes. A sensitive movie about the first transgender person in the world starring Eddie Redmayne and an Oscar winner – no. The diktat from CBFC to Sony Le Plex telling the latter to halt the premiere of The Danish Girl is a new low in a country where freedom of expression is still something that creative folks need to aspire to. Want another example? How about banning the term Mann Ki Baat from a movie’s dialogue because Prime Minister Modi’s radio talk show has the same name? Yep, it’s happened already.

Politicians’ Insensitive Comments

When Smriti Irani called Priyanka Gandhi a ‘paper tiger’ after the BJP swept elections in Uttar Pradesh, no one imagined that real tigers would also get affected in the coming days. But with Yogi Adityanath’s elevation to the Chief Minister’s post, tigers in Lucknow, Kanpur and other zoos in the state have gone on a forced diet after finding chicken on their plates instead of beef. To add insult to injury, the state government has decided to temporarily suspend operations of authorised slaughterhouses as well, after claiming all along that it was only against illegal ones. The tigers’ wait for beef just became longer.

Summer Heat

Well, we screwed the environment. And animals like tigers are paying for it. The weather bureau has forecast abnormally high temperatures during summer this year, one who’s effects we are already beginning to see. If only tigers could eat the heat, the world would be a much cooler place for everyone, including all other tigers! Well, if wishes were horses, we’d have loved to see this happen.

Kapil Sharma’s Behaviour

Ok, seriously now. Kapil Sharma’s brand of humour is typically low-brow, which is why we are surprised at the high-flying (pun intended) attitude of the comedian’s spat with Sunil Grover becoming too public for everyone, including us. If only our humble tigers would eat away Kapil Sharma’s behaviour and serve him back to us, we’d be pleased as a pie.

Our Aadhaar Cards

The current Union government’s obsession with making Aadhaar compulsory for almost everything, despite the Supreme Court expressly forbidding it to do so, fails to live up to any logic. From mobile phones to IT returns and Modi-knows what else in the future, quoting your Aadhaar for everything, especially when it’s not even legal, makes us very suspicious of the card and the government’s intentions. It would be so much better if tigers ate our cards once and for all. As they say in Hindi, if there are no bamboos, there would be no flutes too. Wait, tigers like bamboos but. Oh well..


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